KATIE PRICE HAS HER KNOCKERS.....

And she is very capable of taking it all on the chin, but give the girl some credit for her efforts in the jungle tonight. She is tough, on the outside as well as in. I am sure the public will make sure she has to endure all the nasties possible for the next week, but as soon as the voting starts for eviction, I fear she will be the first to go. I'm sure she will be delighted, she will get to spend the next few weeks in a luxury hotel while her fellow jungle bunnies slum it in the bush, and she will get paid very well for it. Tho I have to say, in her defence.... I can think of no other woman on the planet that would fly to the US, spend a fortune on hair extensions and nails, then swim underwater in a pool full of fish guts and cockroach shit, just so a few people she doesn't know could have a cuppa, that takes balls, someone else who appears to have a fair share of metal in the crotch area is Kim.... what a woman. I have already decided that if I reach the ripe old age of 60, I shall spend my time swishing about on one of them "biddy buggies", take in a library once a week, and try to make the most out of my bus pass. I would not, for all the tea in China, (or all the dinners come to that) lay in a glass coffin while the whole insect cast of the "Indiana Jones Trilogy" was poured onto my head. Kim is definitely my heroine of the day.

My villain of the day would have to be the selfish, silly cow that left her four babies to fend for themselves while she buggered off for more then a day to get drugged up, drunk, and probably done by a couple of the local brain surgeons so she could claim another full set of child benefit, and tax credits in 9 months time. At 22 she has four children under the age of four.... nothing wrong with that if you are a capable and loving mother who is prepared to sacrifice most of her fun and freedom for the good of your offspring. But come on.... did anyone see the state of that house???? I would not keep my enemies scabby rat in a kitchen like that.... not even if it had been dead for more then a month. I hope the children are somewhere warm, I hope they are clean and well fed, I hope the carers looking after them are loving and generous, but most of all, I hope, that one day, if a woman is convicted of such neglect, the courts will have the power to order that her ovaries be taken from her and her mimsey sewn up with a carpet needle. It would be child abuse to allow this woman to ever breed again. It would be a bigger crime to have this woman to pass her particular method of parenting onto the next generation.

As I wrote yesterday, my fence is down.... Other half took the dog for a walk along the river today... I don't know what smells worse, wet dog or burning martyr....

I'VE ONLY GOT A LI'OOL MARF....

You think??? The last time I saw Sam Fox on the box, she was drunkenly screaming at some young bloke that "you've got a li'ool knob" she then went on to get herself hopelessly tangled up in some ghastly cape she was wearing while trying to convince other bar staff, viewers and even herself that she was sober.... I don't know what will be more interesting to see being sent in to the camp.... Katie Price.... or alcohol. Will be glued to my sofa this evening to see if ITV bosses have the good sense to send in both.... preferably the alcohol half an hour before Katie.

In the news I see some poor lad has been shot with a search and rescue flare. I sincerely hope they find the person who did this, and punish them as if they had used a gun. My thoughts are with the lad and his family, but also with the idiotic government that, despite our country being on a high terror alert, allow pyrotechnics such as fireworks and flares to be sold by unlicensed vendors to unlicensed customers. These are explosives we are talking about. I always question the sanity of a shopkeeper that will not sell flour or eggs to teenagers around the time of Halloween, but then display a "Buy One Get One Free" sign above colourful sticks of dynamite. If it cannot be safely held in the hand... it should not be on sale to the general public. As for the "Over 18's Only" rule.... what a complete waste of time. Does some strange metamorphisis take place during the night before an 18 year olds birthday???? Does a once idiotic, irresponsible, thoughtless 17 year old muppet get abducted by some grey government body in the night and given a complete brain and personality transplant in under five hours???? You are not allowed to light a cigarette up in a pub for fear of endangering another persons life..... but the blue touch paper on a twenty pound drum of gunpowder bought from the local Tesco's store.... well you know where I am going don't you.

On a more localised note....the fence that separates my neighbours garden from mine, was blown down by the hurricane on Saturday morning. Could be interesting.... I have a mad spaniel, she has a cat.... watch this space.

FINALLY....

About bloody time.... well Thank god Jedward and Stace live to fight another day.... and how gutted did scowling Cowell look when his little "rock cock" was told he was on his way. I don't think Lloyd will go the distance, but hey, he's young and pretty.... he will be fine.

Kettle has just boiled... gonna grab a couple of custard creams and settle down in front of I'm a Celeb.... Sam Fox versus Katie Price.... GENIUS!!!

JEDWARD, QUEEN WEEK, MY FIRST EVER BLOG....

I think it happened when I started the HRT, a compelling desire to bitch about everything and everyone with an air of authority that only someone who is always "right" can carry off. I spend so much of my time in the kitchen, sat at the table on-line, stood at the cooker on fire or nattering to friends non stop... on caffeine. Todays hot topic??? Well last nights X Factor of course.

I am left wondering if the panel of judges are hearing what we hear on a Saturday night.

Last night, I watched Jamie do a "Spinal Tap" rendition of "Radio Ga Ga" Am I the only one who thinks that Freddie must be "spinning" It was awful, and so out of tune at first, that my toes still haven't uncurled. As for Danyl... "We Are The Champions"??? Not bloody likely, I am sick and tired of seeing that mans epiglottis at the end of every performance. Olly is ok... a cheeky Essex chappie yes, Robbie Williams??? not in a million!

Poor little Lloyd faired better, tho you would think with so many music "professionals" involved in the show, that one of them would have realized that the key was too low for him and moved it up. Joe was his usual capable self, but without a doubt the only reason I am still watching the new "saturday night at the Palladium show" is because I love Jedward and Stacey.

Neither are particularly great at singing, but both acts are funny, energetic and entertaining to watch.

I love that Stacey is ditsy, I love that her nose is crooked and that her head wobbles like a parcel-shelf ornament. Jedward are really the stars of the show for me.... I have never seen anyone jump around on stage like that and try to sing at the same time.... anyone in the industry would tell you that is nigh on impossible... but every week they come out and do just that. Am sat here waiting for tonights show to start, without Jedward this show would be as dull as ditchwater, so I am keeping my fingers crossed they stay tonight, Stacey also, without these two acts, I will have start watching "Strictly" and when I was a little girl, Bruce Forsythe was an old man who scared me a little with that chinny grin of his.... now I am a grandmother, he scares me even more...